A Fairy Random Tail
by Director Maliwan
Summary: Fairy Tail is the guild of randomness. Step into the world of vignettes and craziness. Please, don't bother wiping your feet, the place is already dirty. Rated M for safety (possibly for later chapters).
1. The Mission Part One

**So, after going through idea after idea and attempt after attempt at creating a well thought out story...I decided to go with this excitable page...uh...clicker. Yeah. Long story short, I've been suffering from some "issues" recently and I thought that trying my hand at writing...or rather, making another attempt at a story may help me. However, I currently don't have the patience for a long-winded story, so I've decided to take a page form another writer, Silent Magi. His story,** _ **The Magi's Randomness**_ **, has inspired this...abomination. Not to say that his work is bad, I loved it. Seriously, if you have time go check it out, guaranteed laughs.**

 **I digress, this story is going to be a great deal of one shots or little snippets, not overly abundant in length, but ripe with...well...I don't really know yet. It's all based around Fairy Tail however.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Fairy Tail. I make no money from writing this, it's really just for my own sanity...or a form of release if you will.**

 **It's also a way for me to get a better grip on writing fiction (something I really want to do). I apologize for any grammar mistakes or failing flow-it's been awhile since I've been in an English class and I'm a new writer here so my characters are probably going to be stiff at first. Regardless(!), I'll try to keep it interesting. So without further ado...**

 **A Fairy Ordinary Day**

He really didn't want to do this. He really, _really_ didn't want to do this. This was only supposed to be a last resort; the contingency plan; the Chaotzu-self-destruction technique (patent pending). Truth be told, he'd considered quite a few alternatives before resigning himself to this horrid task. Unfortunately one had to be dead before he/she could sell his/her body to science. The only other idea he had come up with...well...

Prostitution was illegal in Magnolia.

So, with head held low and shoulders slumped, Natsu Dragneel trudged forward on the winding, twisty road to the place that may very well mark the site of his demise.

Perhaps he was being somewhat melodramatic. He probably would survive this inexplicably horrible mission he was tasked with undertaking. Yes his life would _probably_ be spared...

His dignity, however…

Yeah that shit was doomed.

For what seemed like the eightieth time in the last thirty minutes (the time period in which he realized he had no other choice but to undertake the horror that was his current mission), Natsu gave a long, loud sigh of defeat. His glassy gaze moved from its seemingly ever-present focus upon his (reluctantly) trudging sandals, redirecting itself towards the locus of his ultimate dread.

Fairy Hills stood before the salmon-haired dragonslayer.

What acted as a place of solace and comfort for many of the female members of the guild-some even fondly referred to it as home-and as a place of temptation and wonder for many of the male members, was anything but for the fire mage. No, where the females may have associated this place with home (and the males a veritable Mecca) Natsu found the place synonymous with the Devil's den.

In his opinion, such a comparison was completely fair. After all both places housed beings of unending torment and suffering.

Hell had Satan and Fairy Hills had... _her._

'No, there's nothing to worry about,' Natsu reasoned with himself. She was away on a mission with the others, not here. Not now. Despite his methodical reasoning, the dragonslayer wasn't entirely reassured.

After all, this was Erza he was talking about.

Now a passing observer might be inclined to inquire what exactly it was that had Natsu Dragneel, the heart-and-soul of Fairy Tail, in such a mournful and resigned state. To be completely blunt and spare such a curious individual any ludicrous and unneeded flashback (it's coming anyway): he was **broke**. Not just a little broke. Not even a little in the red. No, Natsu Dragneel (and by extension Happy _Rodriguez_ Dragneel) was completely destitute.

There was no money whatsoever.

None.

Zilch.

Nada.

He'd already checked in his mattress. The cabin safe he and Happy stored _everything_ in was devoid of all but fish carcasses (courtesy of one blue exceed). Every single hidy-hole that lay dormant within his house had seemingly been ransacked. He had no money.

Which meant he had no food...

Which meant that Happy had no food...

Which meant that Natsu was gonna do his damndest to get money! A hungry-Happy was a cranky-Happy. A cranky-Happy tended to become a manic-Happy. A manic-Happy wasn't good for anyone's health. The hungrier he got the more creative he tended to become. Creative-insane Happy was approximately eight point one times more dangerous than a pissed-off-Acnologia. On the bright side he wasn't nearly as bad as an Erza-left-devoid-of-cheese-cake.

The Salamander shuddered at the mere thought.

Digression aside, Natsu was in desperate need of money! The only way for him to get money was to take a job. Therefore, that morning he had set out to the guild early to take a solo mission. The fire mage had figured he would make more money on his own...he also wasn't going anywhere near Happy at the moment.

Last he saw of his best friend, the blue exceed was staring wondrously at a fishing catalog. What really worried Natsu was the other pieces of literature that lay open near the feline: "Idiots Guide to Organ Removal" and the most recent issue of "Mad Science Monthly!"

Needless to say, Natsu needed money if he wanted to sleep in peace...

Happy was getting creative again.

Reasoning aside, Natsu had trudged into the guildhall that very morning, marching straight past the few patrons that made up the early morning crowd. Any greetings or comments bounced right off of him. He was a man...err dragon-slaying man on a mission. He made his purpose clear as he headed straight for the request board.

Mirajane, having opened the guildhall that very morning, merely smiled sweetly at the dragonslayer. At least, her smile appeared sweet. Yet there also seemed to be a hint of pity or, perhaps, regret on her face. Almost as if she felt sorry for something that had yet to happen.

It all became clear when Natsu made it to the request board.

There before him, lay numerous requests, all displaying potential to earn a set amount of jewels upon acceptance and completion of the tasks that each individual piece of paper described. However, there was a major problem with each and every request on the board...

They were each individually crossed out; each displaying a bright red "X" across the parchment, indicating that the task had been canceled or was currently being undertaken.

Natsu grew frantic. Everywhere he looked his vision was met with the horrendous red crucifix that issued immediate rejection and filled him with dread. His methodical search quickly devolved into a panicked frenzy. There was nothing! They were literally all taken or retracted!

Wyvern hunt: 250,000 J? Retracted

Vulcan busting: 1,000,000 J? Taken

Clean Laki's Basement: 2,500,000 J? Retracted on grounds of being too dangerous.

Everywhere Natsu looked the red bane of his existence followed. Who knew such a simple little mark could cause this much despair? In fact, so great was Natsu's new found hatred for the letter "X," that he resolved to completely erase it from existence-of course that would only happen should he survive the current crisis plaguing his being.

Ergo, it wasn't likely he'd succeed.

Overcome with fear for his stomach (and his wellbeing if Happy had anything to say about it), Natsu sunk to his knees, reeling in his thoughts. Sweat beaded his brow; he directed his gaze towards the floor, his eyes blank and unseeing. His shoulders slumped as he wracked his brain, trying, and failing, to come up with a solution. No matter how hard he tried to think his mind kept fixating on the visage of Happy, lording over his bound form, a bucket in one hand and a hacksaw in the other.

So deep was Natsu's anxiety-spawned depression that he failed to notice the approach of Fairy Tail's beautiful barmaid.

Mirajane had been watching Natsu since he had entered the guildhall fifteen minutes ago. Her stunning gaze was trained on him for the entire time, taking note of his seemingly resolved march towards the request board and the subsequent panic that the salmon-haired dragon exuded when he found that there were no free quests.

That had been fourteen minutes ago.

Yes, for fourteen minutes the ivory-haired beauty trained her stare directly at the sulking, depressive form of the individual who was supposed to be the lifeblood of the guild. He certainly couldn't be described as such today.

Mira could guess at the source of the dragonslayer's plight. To be honest, hungry-Happy scared the ever-loving shit out of her and her inner demons alike. Mira could only shiver as Sitri reminded her of what happened _that_ day.

Some said that if one listened close enough, the screaming of those poor souls could still be heard from the depths of Cardia Cathedral.

Quickly ridding her mind of that thought (lest the nightmares return), Mira decided to do what any self-respecting female Stauss would: mitigate the ailments of one of her precious people, Dattebayo!

...

Where the hell did that come from?

* * *

 **Elsewhere**

A certain blonde-haired, blue-eyed, orange clad hokage sat on a barstool in what could only be considered the most holy establishment to ever grace the Earth. Beside him sat an auburn haired beauty draped in a rather revealing kimono that showed off her perfect curves.

The blonde hokage sat on his stool, happily slurping away at the food of the gods, oblivious and immune to all of life's worries. Until...

With an unexpected jolt, Naruto jerked his head in an upwards motion, directing his gaze towards the ceiling of the ramen establishment. His eyes retained a focused light within them, something not seen since the young man's defeat of the tyrannical Otsutsuki Kaguya.

His lovely companion, startled by her "stool-neighbors" sudden mood-change voiced her concern. "Naru-kun? What's the matter?

His continued silence didn't bode well.

"Did something happen?" Her thoughts immediately took a panicked turn. What if...?

"There's a disturbance..." Naruto whispered, almost as if to himself.

The blondes tone didn't sit well with Mei. Her worries seemed all the more real now. Could something be wrong with little Mina-chan?! Kami forbid if somebody harmed one hair on _her_ baby's head...!

Naruto, seemingly oblivious to the former Mizukage's plight, continued to stare at nothing as though he were mulling something over in his head. Suddenly his visage darkened. His vibrant blonde bangs shadowed his eyes; his teeth clenched into a snarl; a vicious growl escaped his throat.

"How dare they..." he thought aloud.

Mei was in a frenzy now. She was ready to flash to her house at speeds that would put the hirashin to shame. She already had a magma jutsu at the ready, prepared to fully dispose of any intruders who dared to take advantage of her and Naruto's absence. She was boiling (pun unintended) and ready to kill.

...at least until her husband opened his mouth again.

"How dare somebody utter that phrase! That's my verbal-tic damnit! DATTE-MOTHER FUCKING-BAYO!" Thus Naruto began a, seemingly, random rant, completely oblivious to the veritable shit storm that was brewing directly to his right on the stool occupied by a very irate Mrs. Uzumaki.

"...I mean seriously! Who the hell in their right mind would even say something like that? I never did it willingly, that's for sure! And what about our deal Kami! After beating Kaguya and saving everyone's collective asses you promised me that one thing! You had _one_ job! One! Make all of my unique dialogue copyrighted! But nooo! Apparently not! If even Kami doesn't keep his/her word then what good is he/she!? I don't know who but somebody is getting their ass sued, mark my words on that...would you write that down for me honey?

"..."

"...sweetie?"

When the blonde savior of the shinobi world directed his attention towards his beautiful wife he immediately paled. He'd seen that look before...

Mei merely smiled sweetly at her husband. Her eyes were closed. Not a good sign. Still smiling, the former Mizukage calmly stood up, pushed her empty ramen bowl towards Ayame, gave her a small "thank you for the meal," and walked right by her still sitting husband.

There it was! For the briefest of moments he had seen it.

Mei smiled, leisurely strolling away from the stand, leaving her husband with the bill. If one looked close enough, they would notice a small leather handle protruding from the woman's long azure sleeve.

Naruto's head and shoulders collapsed onto the counter top. He was vaguely aware of Ayame's gentle hand patting him on the back.

"Another date night ruined, eh Naruto?" The waitress' voice, while sympathetic, held an accusatory edge, as if, despite feeling sorry for the blond, the barmaid found him deserving of punishment.

Naruto merely groaned in response. In truth, the couple always ended up doing it in some way once they got home...of course whether Naruto enjoyed it or not depended entirely on the success of date night.

Sasuke and Kakashi had made a game of it. Each would take turns trying to see if they could rile the blonde up enough for him to, unintentionally, ruin date night.

Bastards.

With a sigh, Naruto stood up from his stool, paid the bill-making sure to leave a hefty tip for Ayame-and resigned himself to his fate. Tomorrow, he may very well be the sorest man in existence. He was about to go through an ordeal that would leave Sisyphus crying and running away in tears.

As he began his veritable death march, the blonde hokage couldn't help but feel something odd. It almost seemed as if someone in some distant, far-off place, was about to go through a similar ordeal.

Poor bastard.

Watching his wife's perfect ass sway with every step she took, Naruto found his lower anatomy...'excited.' He gazed down at one of his favorite pieces of himself forlornly.

"Sorry, buddy. I know you think we're about to get some, but it isn't the good kind tonight."

Almost as if it understood him, Naruto Jr. deflated slightly...

Only to come back raging stronger than ever! It was fully prepared to accept any punishment "Momma" chose to dish out.

'What the fuck?! Oh don't tell me I'm becoming a masochist...' With that Naruto trudged home, fully prepared to relieve Sakura of her babysitting duties and take his punishment.

"Traitor." He took a quick shot down at his penis.

Maybe he could get Sakura to hang around...or at least be a witness to testify for him.

A look at Mei's backside had him resigned to his fate. Nope! He was gonna take his punishment, and damned if he was gonna try not to enjoy it!

Meanwhile, up on a rooftop near the poor bastard that was the current Hokage, one Uchiha  
Sasuke sat dumbfounded. He had been fully prepared to unleash his and Kakashi's master plan to ruin date night! It was simply brilliant! Everything had been laid out. All of the ninja clowns were in position. All of the Naruto fangirls were ready to pounce! Hell, he'd even had a drunken Hinata, waiting in the wings, stewing over the loss of Naruto to "that auburn haired, lava-slut!" It was _perfect_!

All that was left was for Kakashi to give the signal, then hell would break loose on Naruto. His wife would get pissed, storm off with the blond in tow, do unspeakable acts of sexual violence to the poor bastard, then, when Naruto was nothing more than an obedient love-slave to his own wife, the blonde would abdicate the position of hokage, and finally, Sasuke could take the title himself. There were no flaws in his plan.

Then the dobe went and did _this_!

All that time. All of that planning. All of that booze he had to buy the Hyuuga heiress! Then he had to sit there and listen to her moan and groan over how "that steaming, lava-slut" stole "her Naru-kun" from her! He'd spent three weeks setting this up! Three weeks he could have been completing missions or been on dates with Sakura. He'd never get that time back! It was all _gone_!

"Raven? Come in, Raven. Raven, do you read me?" Sasuke pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed in irritation.

"Kakashi...enough with the stupid codenames."

"Wait...what happened? Is the plan still a go? I need to know man, I can't keep these ravenous ninja turtles at bay forever."

"Go ahead and get out of there...plan 'No-ruto Hokage' is aborted..."

"What?! what the hell happened?" Kakashi sounded genuinely surprised...and a bit agitated. After all he'd spent two weeks of his precious 'Anko' time working on this mission.

Sasuke pondered for a moment or two before coming to what could be the only real conclusion...

"He knew," the (quite wrong) revelation hit him like a ton of bricks. "He's known all along. He let us get this far ahead. Let us spend all our time and energy on this plan...just to take it away from us at the last moment!"

The striking realization of Naruto's endless cunning and dastardliness left the Uchiha floored. The very thought that the dobe would be so cruel as to let them get their hopes up, only to take it all away by sacrificing his own health...it was very Uchiha-like.

A sigh escaped the headphone in Sasuke's ear. His teacher sounded weary, resigned.

"There's a reason he's called the most surprising and unpredictable shinobi to ever walk the face of the Earth."

The Uchiha merely "hn"ed in agreement. Then felt a chill go down his spine. Sharingan activated he saw something burn in the night sky. Well, it was actually two somethings. Like shooting stars, only they weren't high in the sky and they were large. Very large. Very large and headed...

Oh Kami, no...

Mei smiled to herself as she stood in full dominatrix gear over her bound husband. Wiping the lava from her lips she turned her gaze back to the love of her life. She snapped the whip experimentally, ensuring its effectiveness, then smiled a sadistically sweet smile at the blonde Hokage.

"That takes care of them. Now, sweety, the safe word...ufufufu, doesn't exist."

The poor blonde bastard could only whimper as anxiety, fear, and, to his immense shame, eagerness crawled up his spine.

* * *

 **Back to the Guildhall!**

 **(remember that place?)**

Shaking the weird feeling off, Mirajane walked casually towards the downed dragonslayer. Her stride was unimpeded by the usual flirtations by the guild's chain smoker, Wakaba. She was on a mission. A mission to at least try and alleviate the dragonslayers problems, even if only a little.

Eighteen steps. Mirajane was now standing over the forlorn salamander, gazing worriedly at the downed mage. She waited for approximately thirteen seconds for Natsu to notice her. Thirteen seconds later she addressed the dragonslayer, though he didn't give any indication that he had heard her.

"They've all been taken, Natsu. I'm sorry," the ivory beauty began. "It seems that, due to the Tartaros fiasco, most government sponsored requests have been retracted."

Natsu huffed. Well that explained why so many of the requests were unavailable. He figured that the other guild members rushed for the few that weren't canceled. Still, knowing why the requests were gone wouldn't alleviate his problem. He readied himself to stand up and head out of the guild before he was stopped by a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Looking up into the concerned eyes of Mira, Natsu noticed her genuine concern for him. His heart warmed at her kindness. She was just so damn nice to everyone in the guild. Who in the guild didn't love Mira?

Natsu prepared to return her smile with a small one of his own, until he noticed some slight trepidation in the beautiful takeover mage's eyes.

"What'sa matter, Mira?" he couldn't help but voice his concern.

Mira quickly averted her gaze, turning her, and subsequently Natsu's own, attention to the flyer in Mira's left hand.

"Well..." Mira began.

She didn't finish however as the dragonslayer quickly snatched the request from her hand. The lack of a red "x" sent jubilation through the fire mage! It was an open request! It wasn't taken! Holy shit, it paid a lot!

"Mira! This is perfect, thank you!" Natsu lifted the barmaid off of her feet and twirled her around, her dress twirling with her. He quickly set her down and ran out of the guild, spirits higher than they had been since Zeref's 'defeat.'

Mira, face stained with a blush at the dragonslayer's antics, gazed after him worriedly. He obviously hadn't read the request completely. Walking back to the bar she couldn't help but sigh.

"It's done..." she said to seemingly no one.

A shuffling of armor was her response before another presence entered the picture from the shadows.

"Excellent. You've done well, Mira. You'll find the money under Lisanna's mattress."

Then, the presence was gone.

Mirajane Strauss sighed. She couldn't help but feel as though she had just sold Natsu to the devil. Then again, times were tight. Without requests, mages made little money, so she did what she had to for her family...but it still didn't sit well with her.

'I hope he'll forgive me tomorrow.'

Poor Natsu wasn't seen for one week after he left the guildhall that day.

* * *

 **Present Time**

So here the young dragonslayer/ultimate fire-demon was, standing outside of Fairy Hills, the site of his salvation (in regards to appeasing Happy), the site of his doom(…well, you'll find out). Another resigned sigh lazily escaped his lungs, trepidation filled the make-up of his being…wait, what?

He was nervous, ok?!

Who wouldn't be considering the nature of the request? Speaking of the job, perhaps if he checked the details again it would say something different this time. Sure that hadn't worked the last twenty-seven times, but…maybe?

 _Clean my armors, clean my room, don't fuck up! -Erza Scarlet_

Fuck.

Yup, he was doomed. A doomed man he was indeed. In all of the history of everything there was never a more doomed man than he at that very moment.

* * *

 **Elsewhere (Spoilers for a major series)**

Lelouch sneezed, unintentionally moving his lean body back just slightly enough for Suzaku to miss with his Zero-sword (patent pending).

So surprised was the new Zero at the current situation that he didn't notice the, rather obvious THOUSAND guns pointed at him…or the twelve tranquilizer darts now in his ass.

Suzaku slumped next to the 99th emperor of Britannia, the man who was destined to save the world from itself, the man who was ready to die to ensure peace, the man who was once the most doomed individual in the entirety of the universe. The man who was currently flipping the FUCK out!

All of that planning, months-worth of effort, sabotage and subterfuge, betrayal and sacrifice, all down the drain! Thanks to a friggin sneeze!

…

…

…

Well, being emperor probably wouldn't be too bad. Maybe he could have his children repeal all of his "evil" edicts and policies…of course to do that he needed a wife first.

CC sneezed.

* * *

 **Back to Fairy Hills**

Wendy watched, puzzled at the furiously scrubbing fire dragonslayer/super-mega fire demon and his seemingly resigned attitude. Having been the one who had opened to doors of the all-girl dorm to allow the salmon haired demon in, Wendy was the first (as far as she knew) and only one privy to Natsu's presence within the building. Of course she wasn't worried about him being there (at least she wasn't worried for her own wellbeing), Natsu was the most trustworthy person…drag… demo… _individual_ she had ever known.

No his presence wasn't disconcerting, but the aura surrounding him was certainly something to cause concern.

Natsu was, in a word, doomed. That's the aura he gave off at least, that of a man whom had resigned himself to his own personal damnation. Trepidation ruled his form, riddling him with a sense of fear, utter terror, so great that even a being such as himself, an individual whose very make-up and purpose for living was causing chaos in some shape or form, decided that it would be for the best if he paid diligent and careful attention to his work.

After all, one slip up and Erza would probably skin him and make herself a new pair of shoes (because he's a reptile…and alligator loafers…and…uh…never mind).

Wendy and Natsu could only shake their heads at the author's weak writing and poor attempts at jokes.

Serious digression aside, Natsu ran himself ragged, working diligently on his current assignment. So far he'd cleaned most of her armors and nearly all of her rooms. All he had to do was finish up replacing the floor in Erza's personal bathroom and then he could start on the most terrifying place in the entire universe. The veritable spawning point of all that was designed for the sole purpose of inflicting pain and torment upon his specific being. The sole place in the universe where even the four Maou themselves feared to tread.

Erza's Bedroom

(Shudder) Dear god it was horrifying thinking about what evils the she devil devised within _that_ place.

Sweat beaded upon the dragonslayer's brow, a solitary drop made its descent, sojourning to the newly laid tile below. Ah, that's right, Natsu decided to retile the entirety of Erza's master bathroom. Why? Well, he'd had an idea...

* * *

 **Flashback**

"Gah, this is taking too long!" the pinkette moaned, rubbing his aching back, sore from the hunched position he had taken since actually reading the request. Damn, he was almost done, but he'd just started the master bathroom, an area that was proving a royal pain to clean. If only he had a means of speeding things up…

…

…

"Lightning-flame dragon mode!"

…

…

"Ah shit."

* * *

 **End Flashback**

Needless to say, it wasn't a very good idea. So, Natsu decided to just retile the entire bathroom. You know, to hide the scorch marks.

"Hah, final-fucking-ly!"he was done. The bathroom was clean, now the only thing left was the…

Fuck.

Natsu marched towards the door, ready to face the abominations that may lay on the other side. Giving one massive push forward Natsu charged in, ready for anything.

"Hello Natsu."

Except for Erza. An Erza with very little clothing. An Erza with a predatory gleam in her eye. An Erza who had a ravenous look on her face.

Click.

The door shined as a rune barrier sealed the two Fairy Rail juggernauts within the room. There they were, the knight and the dragon, the fairy and the demon, the predator and the prey.

"Well _my_ dragon, it looks like it's only the two of us now." The purr in Erza's voice did strange things to the dragonslayer. "Ufufufu, by the time I'm done with you, you'll never leave my side ever again."

…

Fuck.

 **Chapter End**

 **So that the first chapter, I'm gonna end it there for now. The next chapter in this story is probably gonna be something a bit different and much shorter if I can help it. Don't worry if ya like this particular vignette I'll definitely continue. Like I said, this story is kinda for me as a writer, but it's also for the Fairy Tail community. So please feel free to review and give me some advice. There are some pretty obvious places that I need to work on, but right now I just wanna get this out there.**

 **Anyway, stay tuned for the next chapter…perhaps a preview of sorts.**

" _I told you that aces were high!"_

" _Mard Geer remembers nothing of the sort! Mard Geer just thinks that Torafusa is a sore loser."_

" _Yeah well Torafusa thinks that Mard Geer is a douchebag!"_

" _Mard Geer says we should play a new game, it's called shut the fuck up you One Piece merman cosplaying bitch! Know your role and shut your mouth if ya SMEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, what MARD GEAR is cookin'"_

" _(Sniffle) I'M TELLIN END ON YOU!"_

 _Natsu sighed and whacked both of them in the back of the head. They shut up instantly. Now if only he could get Kyouka and Sayla to stop reaching into his pants…_

 **Yup, Tartaros Slumper Party! It'll be better than it seems…I think. Anyway, please rate and review.**


	2. A Fairy Odd Slumberparty

**Hey guys, please forgive me for the ending of the last chapter, when I wrote it I just wanted to get the story published. Believe it or not I wrote that last summer (2014) among other stories and that one was the one I felt comfortable writing. Now a year later and I shit out a crappy ending, so I'm gonn try not to do that again. Hopefully this chapter will be better…probably not.**

 **Anyway, this one should be shorter than the other one. I was kinda hoping to shorten the stories to no more than 2000 words a piece buuuuuut…you know how it goes. Regardless I hope you enjoy the chapter.**

 **Oh yeah, another thing, don't be surprised if Natsu is the centerpiece of most chapters…he's my favorite character in the series and all…and I feel I can do a lot with him. His character can undergo a major amount of development. Not to say his character is one dimensional, but there are a lot of places to expand with him. All of the other characters have had their own development arc (at least somewhat)…all but Natsu…so imagine my utter elation at hearing that Natsu is actually (SPOILERS!) Zeref's strongest demon…and his little brother! Anyway, I'm off on a tangent again, sorry…without further ado, here's the story.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing but my ideas!**

 **Why Demons Should Never Through Slumber Parties**

"Ezel, get back here with my Zeref doll damnit!"

If there was one thing that Natsu had learned throughout this entire horrific experience…

"So you admit that it's a doll!"

"Mard Geer admits nothing!"

It was that the demons of Tartaros, while efficient killers and some of the most dangerous adversaries to ever rise up against the forces of justice, were little more than squabbling children when in the presence of their guildmaster.

"Mmmmm, master E.N.D. please I beg of you, put a baby in me!"

Well…most of them acted like children. Some (cough Kyoka cough) tended to become sexual deviants whose drive to mate made rabbits look like monks and nuns.

Snort. That was kind of a stupid idea. A little rabbit in a nun habi—OK hand getting to close to Natsu Jr. With a quick swat, Natsu effectively ceased Kyoka's invasion into his "no no zone" as Erza had so eloquently put it. The sad thing was, to this day Natsu continued to think of it as such…well he did, before that very same red-head locked him in her room and…

Well, you get the picture.

Natsu was startled out of his inner thougths with the sensation of a light pull on his pants leg. Looking down he spotted a miniaturized (or as Mira might call it KAWAII-ized) version of Franmalth, whom was looking rather shy at the moment, refusing to meet his "big bwother's" eyes.

"H-here you go." He mumbled. While his appearance was somewhat grotesque, when coupled with his temporary smaller frame, it was actually kind of cute…in an ugly way.

Turning his attention to the object given to him Natsu visibly blanched at the poor drawing that he now held. It was, as one might expect, the cliché bad drawing a five year old might have his mother put up on the fridge, the drawing that was composed of the drawer's entire family with a tree and the house behind it. Of course this drawing differed slightly. Instead of a 'mother and father' figure, there was a poorly drawn, dark haired young man labeled: "papa." Then there was the second tallest figure, a salmon haired male, was labeled: "Aniki." Of course the rest of the nine demon gates were in the picture as well, including Silver as weird as that was… The "house" that would typically be found in the background was actually a giant black box with a smiley face drawn on the front in red. Natsu guessed that it was supposed to be Cube

Despite how crude and utterly horrible the picture was, one look at Franmalth's hopeful expression melted Natsu's heart (actually it was E.N.D.'s heart that was melted, but since that's the same thing...). Patting the small demons head, Natsu walked over to the refrigerator and taped the the picture to the door.

Words cannot describe the utterly elated look Franmalth gave the dragonslayer. The little demon giggled happily and scurried off to the open box of crayons.

It completely baffled Natsu how different these demons were when he was around. Well, when he was around in his "E.N.D. form." Then agai-

"FINALLY! Finally, Mard Geer has got back, his Zeref doll!" said demon proceeded to hold his treasure up as though it were the most illustrious prize that ever existed in sports entertainment, back to you king…uh, nevermind.

Natsu sweat dropped as the proud, "King of Tartaros" stood over the defeated form of Ezel. He then began stomping on the head of his fallen comrade.

"Silver, would you mind dealing with this." The elder Fullbuster was closer to the two and had a way of calming the little bastards down when they got out of control. Silver gave Natsu a slight nod and moved forward to prevent further damage to Ezel's head, poor bastard needed all the brains he could get, he didn't have many to begin with.

Natsu turned his attention away from that exchange for a bit before he felt another tug on his pants leg. This time it was Jackal who looked up at him with bright and hopeful eyes.

And a mouse. A dead mouse. A dead mouse covered in Jackal spit. That was there too.

The dragonslayer held eye contact with the demon, confusion apparent in his gaze. Jackal stared back expectantly. Finally the demon moved his head down, the bridge of his nose touching the carcass, and pushed the dead rodent closer to his guild master.

Natsu understood, somewhat. "What do you want me to do with this?"

"Eat it," the response came as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Why?"

"It will make you strong." Oh god the expectant look in the little bastard's eyes. Even if he was evil, even if he had tried to blow him up in the past, even if he nearly blew Lucy to smithereens, there in that moment, Jackal looked to Natsu as if he were the most innocent of kittens trying to gain recognition and appreciation from its distant father. No one, no matter how cold hearted, could have denied the fuzzy little spit-fucks request.

So, Natsu bent down, picked up the mouse by its tail, brought it above his head, turned said head up and side-ways and proceeded to act his ass off as he 'ate' the mouse. Jackal's response was a look of utter elation and a quick sojourn back outdoors to find more food for his master.

Natsu shuddered as he burned the rat carcass and threw away the ashes.

"So Stone Cold Sliver Fullbuster thinks he can come in here and take Mard Geer's dolly does he?!"

"What?"

"Stone Cold Silver Fullbuster just thinks he can march his way into the demons' champion's house, step up to the demons' champion's ring, and take this title away from the demons' champion?"

"What? Who said anything about a title I just wa-"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT! Cuz Mard Geer _knows_ what Stone Cold Silver Fullbuster wants! He wants to go _one_ on _one_ with the Great One, isn't that right?"

"What?"

"Well let Mard Geer tell ya something Stone Cold! Mard Geer doesn't think you've got what it _takes_ to beat Mard Geer for his title! As a matter of fact Mard Geer—

"Oh shut the **fuck** up, will you?!" Silver had had enough, apparently even he had a breaking point. " All you do all damn day is sit there on your throne, thumbin' yer book, talkin about yer E.N.D. 3:16. Fullbuster 3:16 says I just froze your ass!"

A fight ensued after that. A fight that to this very day has never again been matched…except perhaps in that one fight ten years later at the twenty-fifth anniversary of demonmania when Keith the Taker from the Under defended his streak against Mr. Torafusa…but that, is a story for another time.

Natsu, having had enough of the ridiculous antics of Tartaros' elite, decided to venture to another section. A section free of the anarchy that seemed to stem from his being there with the demons of Tartaros. Oh why had he let himself be kidnapped? Why hadn't he seen it coming? Why hadn't he kicked Gray in the balls one more time before he left (he hated leaving such an important count on an odd number).

Bah, he was thinking too much at the moment. So deep was he within his mental vacation that he suddenly found himself upon one of Cube's many balconies. Looking out over the vast Fiore landscape below, Natsu found himself thinking back to the times in which he had been E.N.D., gazing out off of this very same balcony, patiently dealing with the antics of his fellow demons. Looking back, they really hadn't changed at all. Something that made him unexplainably happy.

He felt a gentle hand slip over his own. His grip upon the railing fell away as the dragonslayer gazed into the serene eyes of one of his most devout and loving subordinates. The gaze that washed over him from Sayla made him feel inexplicable things. Things that were foreign to him despite all the time he had spent on Earthland. Natsu felt a weird warmth fill him, not uncomfortable, just…weird.

Without a word Sayla led Natsu back inside, down hallway after hallway before stopping just before a rather ornate door. In said door, were carved his initials: E.N.D. Something stirred inside him as his gaze returned to the Macro demon's.

Sayla opened the door and led her master inside. It was pitch black. Not a single source of light to be found. Natsue briefly considered using his magic to light up the room that was until the space was bathed in light.

Click

The door locked behind him. The ultimate devil briefly looked over his shoulder at Sayla whom had just finished sealing the door with the curse equivalent of rune magic. She gazed back at him hungrily.

"Oh, big brother, so nice of you to join us."

Fuck.

Kyoka lay on the bed, wearing nothing whatsoever. She was a lioness in her den, and her meal had just been brought to her.

"Mou, big brother, why don't you stay here and dote upon your imoutos for a while, ne?"

I repeat, fuck.

 **End Chapter 2**

 **So once again Natsu is in a very sexy situation…kinda. Anyway, the ending was similar to the previous chapter on purpose. Kinda a lame attempt at a joke. I may or may not do another chapter like this one, I was actually considering doing a separate series on the tartaros demons to expand upon what I can do with them comedic-wise. Anyway, still not great and kinda rushed but, there are some chapters I really want to get to.**

 **Regardless, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed. I'm always open to constructive criticism.**

 **Anyway, read and review!**


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